Gonkomren is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, omnipotent bear.

Gonkomren created viruses nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Gonkomren, it will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Gonkomren, it will turn you into a sparrow.

Gonkomren's most sacred site is Inshas in Egypt.

Gonkomren's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from indigo eagles for they are unholy.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Do not wear green clothing.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Gonkomren.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.