Jarncublan is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, deceitful walrus.

Jarncublan created the planet Jupiter nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Jarncublan, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Jarncublan, he will turn you into a frog.

Jarncublan's most sacred site is Ifaty in Madagascar.

Jarncublan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of iron.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Never think about special relativity near birds while wearing blue tights and balancing three copper spheres on your back.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Erect a large silicon sculpture of Jarncublan on top of all buildings.