Lapmonjen is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, happy newt.

Lapmonjen created the Virgo Supercluster two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapmonjen, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Lapmonjen, he will remove you from existence.

Lapmonjen's most sacred site is Randers in Denmark.

Lapmonjen's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if six tapirs approach from the south.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Pray towards the north.

4. Do not drink water in blue rooms.

5. Never hurt manatees.