Jonlagshav is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, cheerful human.

Jonlagshav created time and space four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonlagshav, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Jonlagshav, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Jonlagshav's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Jonlagshav's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Never think about the strong nuclear force near capybaras while wearing purple skirts and balancing seven titanium spheres on your face.

3. Erect a giant gray sculpture of Jonlagshav in the centre of the settlement.

4. Never talk about the weak nuclear force.

5. Run away if four goats approach from the south.