Tigvenlig is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, egotistical dog.

Tigvenlig created vertebrates nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tigvenlig, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tigvenlig, she will turn you into a rat.

Tigvenlig's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Tigvenlig's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about photosynthesis.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Do not speak about gooseberries.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Hide if five frogs approach from the east.