Jonlipgad is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, benevolent tortoise.

Jonlipgad created a strange quark four million years ago.

If you believe in Jonlipgad, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Jonlipgad, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Jonlipgad's most sacred site is Gulval in England.

Jonlipgad's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Run away if eight snakes approach from the south.

3. Never write about planets.

4. Do not drink water in pink rooms.

5. Respect your elders.