Kimnarteen is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, all-knowing pig.

Kimnarteen created silver twelve years ago.

If you believe in Kimnarteen, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Kimnarteen, he will denounce you as a heretic.

Kimnarteen's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Kimnarteen's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear orange.

2. Never sit near squirrels.

3. Never feed limes to hamsters while wearing shoes.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Respect your elders.