Tanvadnig is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, compassionate grasshopper.

Tanvadnig created dark energy two billion years ago.

If you believe in Tanvadnig, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tanvadnig, he will turn you into a hamster.

Tanvadnig's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Tanvadnig's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear shorts.

2. Never look at asteroids.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

5. Never think about fluid mechanics near swans while wearing turquoise scarves and balancing five aluminium spheres on your chest.