Kapquagwig is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, merciless slug.

Kapquagwig created an up quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Kapquagwig, it will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Kapquagwig, it will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Kapquagwig's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Kapquagwig's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about black holes.

2. Always help sick hamsters.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Always look after injured cats.

5. Always wear brown.