Mum is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, happy hamster.

Mum created everything that exists two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Mum, it will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Mum, it will destroy your favourite star.

Mum's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Mum's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Run away if three seals approach from the north.

3. Put Mum first in all things.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate squirrels.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.