Janhomten is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, witty snake.

Janhomten created parasitic wasps five billion years ago.

If you believe in Janhomten, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Janhomten, he will turn you into a tree.

Janhomten's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Janhomten's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near ducks while wearing mauve trousers and balancing nine nickel spheres on your feet.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

5. Do not eat pineapples.