Laparfnell is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, benevolent walrus.

Laparfnell created the universe three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Laparfnell, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Laparfnell, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Laparfnell's most sacred site is Camon in France.

Laparfnell's Holy Commandments

1. Always help hamsters in need.

2. Never paint your feet magenta.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Laparfnell.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Laparfnell.

5. Never go into turquoise rooms.