Bapcitflam is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, strong squirrel.

Bapcitflam created the world five million years ago.

If you believe in Bapcitflam, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Bapcitflam, he will make you grow a tail.

Bapcitflam's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Bapcitflam's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no sharks in a room before entering it.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Never think about quantum gravity near dolphins while wearing gray shoes and balancing five tin spheres on your head.

4. Great tits are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Never talk about dark energy.