Yarppakwab is a god.

He takes the form of a two thousand metre long, compassionate alligator.

Yarppakwab created a quark six million years ago.

If you believe in Yarppakwab, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Yarppakwab, he will turn you into a mouse.

Yarppakwab's most sacred site is Ronda in Spain.

Yarppakwab's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Ants are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Never think about electromagnetism near badgers while wearing magenta coats and balancing nine aluminium spheres on your feet.

4. Do not drink water in mauve rooms.

5. Do not listen to music.