Ontcinyam is a god.

He takes the form of a two thousand metre long, benevolent crab.

Ontcinyam created the Milkyway three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontcinyam, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Ontcinyam, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Ontcinyam's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Ontcinyam's Holy Commandments

1. Ontcinyam loves voles, so they must be honoured.

2. Always make sure there are no squirrels in a room before entering it.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.