Hapgamyart is a god.

She takes the form of a large, emotional lobster.

Hapgamyart created matter nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapgamyart, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Hapgamyart, she will throw large rocks at you.

Hapgamyart's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Hapgamyart's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in fawn rooms.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate great tits.

3. Always look after injured dolphins.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not wear nickel on your body.