Talzanhap is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, proud cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Talzanhap created humankind five million years ago.

If you believe in Talzanhap, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Talzanhap, he will attempt to scare you with lightening.

Talzanhap's most sacred site is Ronda in Spain.

Talzanhap's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Run away from black grasshopers, for they are unholy.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Never go into mauve rooms.