Bem is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, dishonourable gorilla.

Bem created carbon three billion years ago.

If you believe in Bem, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Bem, she will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Bem's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Bem's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Bem on top of all buildings.

2. You must love Bem.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate monkeys.

4. Do not commit murder.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.