Hapgemkop is a god.

It takes the form of an one thousand metre long, quiet seal.

Hapgemkop created a photon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapgemkop, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Hapgemkop, it will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Hapgemkop's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Hapgemkop's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant black sculpture of Hapgemkop in the centre of the settlement.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Always make sure there are no shrews in a room before entering it.

4. Never paint your hands mauve.

5. Feed all hungry dolphins.