Lagparkvad is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, annoying rhinoceros.

Lagparkvad created Europe two million years ago.

If you believe in Lagparkvad, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Lagparkvad, it will throw large rocks at you.

Lagparkvad's most sacred site is Gara in Hungary.

Lagparkvad's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from blue gulls for they are unholy.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Do not eat coconuts.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Lagparkvad.

5. Hide if five tortoises approach from the north.