Kikyambid is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, slow guinea pig.

Kikyambid created dark energy seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikyambid, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Kikyambid, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Kikyambid's most sacred site is Krina in Germany.

Kikyambid's Holy Commandments

1. Never laugh in the presence of porpoises.

2. Learn three new languages a year.

3. Erect a giant zinc sculpture of Kikyambid in the centre of the settlement.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Never talk about archaea.