Gumcimjarn is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, grumpy fly.

Gumcimjarn created Mount Everest five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gumcimjarn, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Gumcimjarn, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Gumcimjarn's most sacred site is Morella in Spain.

Gumcimjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Gumcimjarn.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Never feed apples to monkeys while wearing blue skirts.

4. Paint representations of black holes on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Do not cook food in pots.