Gumkamfem is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, benevolent monkey.

Gumkamfem created Africa eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gumkamfem, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Gumkamfem, she will remove you from existence.

Gumkamfem's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Gumkamfem's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into mauve rooms.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Never think about nebulae.

4. Always help sick shrews.

5. Do not shave your head.