Queegtofpib is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, fast newt.

Queegtofpib created carbon eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Queegtofpib, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Queegtofpib, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Queegtofpib's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Queegtofpib's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about dark energy near bats while wearing turquoise ear rings and balancing eight gold spheres on your neck.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Queegtofpib.

3. Never eat gooseberries.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never look at moons.