Tarpcinxuck is a god.

It takes the form of a two thousand metre long, omniscient grasshopper.

Tarpcinxuck created snails eight million years ago.

If you believe in Tarpcinxuck, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tarpcinxuck, it will have a very low opinion of you.

Tarpcinxuck's most sacred site is Kirumampakkam in India.

Tarpcinxuck's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of parsnips to badgers while wearing mauve kilts.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Tarpcinxuck loves nematodes, so they must be honoured.

4. Always help frogs.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.