Haptofsug is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, emotional porpoise.

Haptofsug created viruses three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Haptofsug, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Haptofsug, he will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Haptofsug's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Haptofsug's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of silicon.

2. Pigs are not to be trusted.

3. Do not chant in public.

4. Pray towards the south.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.