Metpitjip is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, witless crane.

Metpitjip created silver nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Metpitjip, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Metpitjip, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Metpitjip's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Metpitjip's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about quantum gravity near pigs while wearing yellow jumpers and balancing seven carbon spheres on your neck.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Never feed tomatoes to bats while wearing coats.

5. Do not wear violet clothing.