Gonquartlak is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, smart coyote.

Gonquartlak created humanity three million years ago.

If you believe in Gonquartlak, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Gonquartlak, she will torture you forever.

Gonquartlak's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Gonquartlak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. You must love Gonquartlak.

4. Gonquartlak must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Never eat green fruit.