Mettenkam is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, weak shark.

Mettenkam created Europe eight million years ago.

If you believe in Mettenkam, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Mettenkam, he will have a low opinion of you.

Mettenkam's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Mettenkam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear fawn clothing.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never think ill of sick otters.

4. Mettenkam loves manatees, so they must be honoured.

5. Always stare at clouds.