Tonkwapgemwot is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, slow lobster.

Tonkwapgemwot created Africa twelve years ago.

If you believe in Tonkwapgemwot, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Tonkwapgemwot, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Tonkwapgemwot's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Tonkwapgemwot's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never write about dwarf planets.

3. Always help horses.

4. Do not eat beans.

5. Do not trade with those who eat strawberries.