Ontlamham is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, temperamental snail.

Ontlamham created a quark three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontlamham, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Ontlamham, he will have a low opinion of you.

Ontlamham's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Ontlamham's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from purple manatees for they are unholy.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Erect three carbon sculptures of Ontlamham on top of important buildings.

5. Never talk about quantum mechanics.