Hatpangvab Funtargfas is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely heavy, smart lion.

Hatpangvab Funtargfas created the world five million years ago.

If you believe in Hatpangvab Funtargfas, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Hatpangvab Funtargfas, it will laugh at you.

Hatpangvab Funtargfas' most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Hatpangvab Funtargfas' Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Hatpangvab Funtargfas.

2. Learn seven new languages a year.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Never write about archaea.