Battapwap is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, grumpy shark.

Battapwap created snails nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Battapwap, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Battapwap, he will turn you into a rock.

Battapwap's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Battapwap's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate badgers.

2. Never feed corn to dolphins while wearing tights.

3. Do not keep eight gulls in a large pit.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not eat spinach.