Fitjangem is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, self-assured crab.

Fitjangem created matter seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fitjangem, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Fitjangem, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Fitjangem's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Fitjangem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed turnips to doves while wearing trousers.

2. Never think about quantum mechanics near rats while wearing pink coats and balancing five zinc spheres on your back.

3. Never talk about optics near monkeys while wearing orange kilts.

4. Always look after injured sheep.

5. Fast once a month.