Lakquartappgut is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, uncaring rat.

Lakquartappgut created an up quark eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lakquartappgut, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Lakquartappgut, he will be very sad.

Lakquartappgut's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Lakquartappgut's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about ultrasonics near nematodes while wearing brown skirts and balancing three copper spheres on your neck.

2. Never hurt frogs.

3. Never think about planets.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. You must never eat peas.