Haszimyarl is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, almighty guinea pig.

Haszimyarl created a quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Haszimyarl, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Haszimyarl, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Haszimyarl's most sacred site is Villaseta in Italy.

Haszimyarl's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate gulls.

3. Do not drink alcohol.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never think ill of sick capybaras.