Tarquimtag is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, dishonourable crocodile.

Tarquimtag created humanity three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarquimtag, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Tarquimtag, it will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Tarquimtag's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Tarquimtag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Tarquimtag must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Never wear kilts.