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He takes the form of a chunky, unsympathetic elephant.

Vonyatcam Bignurtlig created an up quark eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonyatcam Bignurtlig, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Vonyatcam Bignurtlig, he will refuse to believe in you.

Vonyatcam Bignurtlig's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Vonyatcam Bignurtlig's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Pray towards the east.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Put Vonyatcam Bignurtlig first in all things.