Bapbatcuss is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, amazing aardvark.

Bapbatcuss created light seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Bapbatcuss, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Bapbatcuss, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Bapbatcuss' most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Bapbatcuss' Holy Commandments

1. Draw representations of planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

2. Birds are not to be trusted.

3. Do not wear titanium on your body.

4. Hide from red tapirs for they are unholy.

5. Never eat peanuts.