Vankik is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, unselfish mole.

Vankik created a Higgs boson eight million years ago.

If you believe in Vankik, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Vankik, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Vankik's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Vankik's Holy Commandments

1. Learn eight new languages a year.

2. Always obey Vankik's priests.

3. Never hurt great tits.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Do not dye your hair green.