Futquagmid is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, omniscient scorpion.

Futquagmid created tapeworms five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Futquagmid, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Futquagmid, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Futquagmid's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Futquagmid's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from fawn cats for they are unholy.

2. Never talk about great tits.

3. Retreat if nine otters approach from the east.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Do not trade with those who eat tomatoes.