Quimmidtik is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, pitiless slug.

Quimmidtik created life five billion years ago.

If you believe in Quimmidtik, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Quimmidtik, he will turn you into a rock.

Quimmidtik's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Quimmidtik's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak about apples.

2. Never talk about deoxyribonucleic acid.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

4. Always make sure there are no whales in a building before entering it.

5. Do not cook food in pots.