Loptapzag is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, clever yak.

Loptapzag created a top quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Loptapzag, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Loptapzag, she will turn you into a blue tit.

Loptapzag's most sacred site is Edenryd in Sweden.

Loptapzag's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Loptapzag six times a day.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never feed lots of corn to doves while wearing purple trousers.

5. Always treat mites with great respect.