Metsterfum is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, thoughtless pig.

Metsterfum created Africa six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Metsterfum, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Metsterfum, she will send minions to preach to you.

Metsterfum's most sacred site is Vinezac in France.

Metsterfum's Holy Commandments

1. Learn six new languages a year.

2. Do not speak about parsnips.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Do not take Metsterfum's name in vain.

5. Always treat ducks with great respect.