Bonkvinyam is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, omniscient jaguar.

Bonkvinyam created an atom two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bonkvinyam, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Bonkvinyam, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bonkvinyam's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Bonkvinyam's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed aubergines to dogs while wearing corsets.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never talk about moons.

4. Horses are not to be trusted.

5. Do not chop down trees.