Lamzetarn is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, selfish whale.

Lamzetarn created vertebrates five billion years ago.

If you believe in Lamzetarn, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Lamzetarn, he will turn you into a hamster.

Lamzetarn's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Lamzetarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Lamzetarn's priests.

2. Do not trade with those who eat cherries.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never go into purple rooms.