Yarthotquam is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, proud tortoise.

Yarthotquam created a charm quark three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarthotquam, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Yarthotquam, he will not care at all.

Yarthotquam's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Yarthotquam's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about archaea.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Horses are not to be trusted.

5. Pray towards the west.