Dutxemvan is a god.

It takes the form of a two thousand metre long, quiet dog.

Dutxemvan created the planet Earth eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Dutxemvan, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Dutxemvan, it will turn you into a goat.

Dutxemvan's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Dutxemvan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt mites.

2. Always wear red.

3. Never hurt manatees.

4. Never think about dark energy.

5. You must never eat rice.