Tinlarphigcit is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, witty donkey.

Tinlarphigcit created snails five billion years ago.

If you believe in Tinlarphigcit, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tinlarphigcit, he will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Tinlarphigcit's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Tinlarphigcit's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Always help nematodes.

3. Tinlarphigcit loves geese, so they must be respected.

4. Never talk about bacteria.

5. Pray towards the south.