Mincapnart Quatrakgem is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, all-knowing bat.

Mincapnart Quatrakgem created Europe eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Mincapnart Quatrakgem, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Mincapnart Quatrakgem, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Mincapnart Quatrakgem's most sacred site is Cobbel in Germany.

Mincapnart Quatrakgem's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention nematodes.

2. Do not dye your hair red.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Mincapnart Quatrakgem loves snails, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.